"[Grandma's butt] is as flat as the side of a house."
- JMH

"I don't think there was ever supposed to be a mating of technology and old people.""I wonder how they [couples who don't talk b/c they're just sitting on their phones] make out, do they put their phones together?"
- JMH

"That's the bong, man."
- JMH

"What are ya, some kind of freak? Probably."
- JMH

"I've got a fifty foot booger."
- JMH

"What did Obama do? What did Obama do? Don't step in the Obama doo."
- JMH

"You wrapped the corn in dryer sheets?"
- JMH

"All I know is if you stand on a ladder you can see your own butt."
- JMH

Pa: *looking at paint scratch and dent on brother's car* "Where'd that come from?"
Me: "The side of our house."
Pa: "Well who did that?"
Me: *giving brother a look* "The driver."
Brother: *smirking*
Pa: "I don't think it was the driver. He hasn't got enough hair on his head to drive."
- JMH w/SEH

Pa: "You ever been up top the water tower?"
Brother: "Nope."
Pa: "When you first start up, it's not so bad, till you're about halfway up, and then you realize you're higher than you can pee."
- JMH w/FGH

Pa: "I don't know if I'd wanna go over there."
Me: "Dairy Queen?"
Pa: "Well, they're strip chicken over there."
Me: "Is it gross?"
Pa: "Well, I don't wanna see a naked chicken."
- JMH w/SEH

"I don't know, but I think [Hillary's] bicycle seat is on too tight."
- JMH

"I'm a little stupid."
- JMH